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It has been a while since i have updated so I thought i would check in. If you remember from my previous post, if I wasn't pregnant then i would start Clomid. Well, my Dr gave me a high dose and for a longer period than most people start out with. I praised him for tackling this so agressively. I still am glad that he is willing to take an impatient approach. However, the medicine hyperstimulated my ovaries and caused me to develope multiple cysts. I did ovulate, but Doc says no more clomid for now because of the cysts. I was about 3 days late on my period so I went ahead and tested. This was against my husband's wishes. He doesn't want me to test until I am at  least a week late. Well, the test came out negative and I started the next day. We are moving on to next month.

I do want to share a little something with you, though. I think God prepares us for things that we might have to go thru. In the same respect, I think He gives us peace through dreams or the kind words of others. Now, I am going to tell this and try to not sound crazy. When I took the Clomid, my Dr wanted me to come in for a midcycle ultrasound. unfortunately, he wasnt available for the day I went because he is off on Fridays. I was scheduled to see the nurse pracitioner, Kaye. I love Kaye. She's the first person I met @ my ob/gyn practice and I love them all there (except for the girl who does the ultrasounds, but she is just really quiet and unfriendly). But, when the ultrasound was ran and they discovered all of the cysts, I had to wait a long time for Kaye to come in. She told me she called Dr Childs to get his opinion.  Let me repeat...she called him on his day off to ask what she should tell me. She immediately started trying to rush me out. I knew she didn't want to talk to me. She just kept saying to come back in 2 weeks to see Dr Childs. She specified that I need to see him. I kept asking her questions even as she was walking out the door. I kept telling her how concerned I was. She just told me not to worry, that it was her job and Dr. Childs' job to worry. I told her she is going to have to explain some things to me because I haven't ever had a cyst and I had just been there a month ago and they didn't see any, now there are several. She started explaining ovulation. I told her I understand that, but I need to know about the cysts. She said some things are just out of their control and that I will come back in 2 weeks so they can took at the cysts. She said it will be one of two scenarios; either they have shrunk and we have nothing to worry about, or they have grown and Dr Child's will advise what to do at that time. It was like we were having 2 separate conversations. I was asking her one thing and she was answering something else. I asked her what it would mean if the cysts grew? She told me I probably have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and that if necessary, Dr. Childs could perform surgery. I asked her what all of this means for me trying to have a baby? She (in a shady, bless your heart kinda way) said we are nowhere  near telling me I won't be able to have a baby. She finally walked away, leaving me so full of doubt.

Let me step back to a previous moment in time. On the way to the Dr's office that same day. We will just say I had already had a bad day. Thankfully, Freddie was with me to calm me down. On the way to the Dr's office (the first time he has gone w/me) and he was trying to make me feel better by pumping me up for what was supposed to be an easy breezy dr's appointment. I told him that people always ask me if I am pregnant yet and that they ask me if I have started my period. It's so funny the things people don't care to ask you when they know you are trying to have a baby. I told him people look at me with the saddest eyes and act like they feel sorry for me when they hear I am not pregnant yet. I told him that they don't understand that God is in control and that I am not disappointed when I start my period because it only means that God isn't finished preparing me for something first and that I want all of this to be on God's terms and not mine. I told him before we had the surgery that I believe God blessed us with the ability to have the surgery and that He wouldn't have led us this far only to not bless us w/a child, but that if that is His will, then I want to be content w/that. We all know he knows best. Let me now tell you that I have faith that God can do all things. Nothing is impossible. I also know that God doesn't always answer every prayer with a yes. He knows best, but these are the desires of my heart. Suddenly after my dr appointment, I felt that my faith was shaken. I was ashamed for feeling that way. I thought I was in control of my emotions until the nurse practitioner told me it might be possible that I just might not conceive. What if it just isn't in His will? I started asking for prayer from some people that are close to me, that I might have peace and that I might seek His will and not get tied up in what I want. I could feel their prayers. There was a settling within me. There was a peace. Still, I was just trying to be ok with the thought that God might not see fit to bless us with the baby that we so desperately want.

That is when it started. A little background..... I have 3 beautiful girls. Each time I was pregnant with them, everyone wanted them  to be boys, but not me. No, all three times I wanted them to be girls. It's quite a confession to admit that even this time around, I want to want a boy because of Freddie and my mom and my dad. Keep in mind my son would be named after my dad who never had any sons of his own. I know I would be content either way. In my mind, there is just a special thing between a mother and a daughter. Probably because I have never really been around too many boys. I only had one sister growing up. I know deep down that if I were to get pregnant, and if an ultrasound revealed that I was having another girl, I would be excited. Not that I don't want a boy, mind you. They are just what I am used to. In my mind, when I think about a baby, it's always a girl. I constantly look at girl clothes, etc. Also, I am married to a red-head with a family full of red heads. For this reason, when I imagine our baby, it always has this red hair. I am telling you all of this for a reason. This is the image I have of our child in my mind. Then....... One night, while going to bed, the last thing I was thinking about was a baby. Like I said, I was trying to get used to the fact that it might not be in God's will. I go to sleep and I have a dream. In this dream, I come home from work to see my  son (probably  7 or so). He was upset because he was trying to do something and it wasn't coming out as perfect as he had planned. He was worried about disappointing everyone. There he was. Blonde hair and glasses. I had so much love for this little boy. I felt bad because he was behaving just like me. So scared to disappoint someone. I thought "have I shown you to behave this way?". The point is, my love for this little boy was so great. The very next night, I had a dream... so vivid. I was lying in bed with Freddie and the morning sun was shining thru the windows. I look down and lying next to me was a blonde baby. Probably just barely a year old. He was dressed in a blue one piece pajama suit. I snuggled him close to me. Then I heard my mother in the next room and she came in and got him to take him into the kitchen to feed him and play with him. Again, the overwhelming love I had for this little boy was extraordinary. I am not saying God is revealing to me that I am going to have a son, although He just might be doing that. Perhaps He is using these details as a way to let me know it's not just what is in my head, so I wouldn't think the dreams came from simply wanting a baby so bad. I told 2 people about the dreams. I first told my friend, Rebecca because I knew she wouldn't judge me or think I am crazy. Also because she (like me) doesn't go crazy about their dreams, but believes that God uses them, just like in the Bible. Then (reluctantly) I told Freddie. I normally wouldn't because I wouldn't want to give him ammunition. He likes to make fun of everything. I told him because he went to a Notre Dame game a few weeks ago and bought a football for "Cullen" (that is our temporary name for a baby boy). He said right after he bought it, he had a thought of our son opening the football and taking it outside to play with and how upset he would be with him. We both thought that was funny and it gave me just a little more room to tell him about my dreams. Then, Freddie got a text from his sister, Jennifer who said she had a dream about us having this beautiful blonde little boy. And, Thursday, during Thanksgiving dinner, my mother in law told us about the dream she had about us having a son. I will take  that as confirmation.

I know this has been lengthy and I apologize for that. But it's a story of renewed faith and that is priceless on this journey. Now that the Dr has confirmed my cysts are shrinking on their own and it doesn't look like I have any issues, we can continue to try, just with no meds. Maybe God doesn't want the meds to get the credit He so deserves. Whatever the reason for all this, one day He will be glorified.